I know what your thinking. “Whoa Lindsey…. this really isn’t in your normal bubbly self to post something like this.”
You are 100% right in this aspect. I believe sometimes you have to go through some crazy stuff and use your pain to inspire others. (My therapist confirmed this) If I can relate to just one person or offer any kind of hope for someone going through the exact same thing. Then this was worth sharing.
Grief is not talked about enough. Especially when you are in your 20’s.

I actually started typing this back in May 2022. It’s time for it to come out of the draft folder. The amount of loved ones being lost by friends has been far to many. I am not posting this to over shine their pain that they are going through with it being so fresh. This is to bring some more light to a topic that is avoided by many.

What happened?

On March 30th, 2022 – I was at my studio with an OG client of mine ordering graduation announcement cards. I then get a phone call five minutes in to the appointment from my dad saying that he had to call 911 for my mom. In shock – I asked if I should meet him at the hospital or at their house. He told me their house, I said ok and hung up the phone. My clients/family/friends were looking at me and asked “Everything ok?” I told them what the phone call was about. I couldn’t ever be more thankful for my clients and some of my best, most amazing family-friends to understand that I need to get out of there and go see what is going on. In all reality – if they weren’t the ones that were there, I am not sure if I would have left as fast as I did. I probably would of just pushed through – which would of not been the right thing at all to do.

You know when you just get that feeling that something isn’t quite right? When I got to my parents house, I felt that. Talking about all of this makes me think how much of an out of body experience this was for me. I was there for only a short amount of time. To then to see an EMT look at me and then look at my mom and then walk over and say “I am so incredibly sorry to tell you, there it nothing more we can do.” Life is so incredibly short. Losing a loved one isn’t easy in any way, shape, or form. How does one even process this information? Do you ever really process this information? It’s been 9 months and I still am trying to figure it out.

That night was spent making phone calls I never thought 26 year old me would have to make. It was also spent re-explaining the same story over and over again. Funny enough, each time I had to retell the story…. it didn’t get easier. It still isn’t easy. After three days it became robotic and like clock work,. Just like the tasks that you do every day without thinking (breathing, opening doors, ect). I have been grieving for about nine months now. While I have gotten better, the topic never is an easy one to talk about. It also comes up in the oddest ways.

Example:

“I see Deanna Kaylor is your emergency contact – is that still correct?” Nope. It’s not.
“How are your parents doing?” Well, one of them is dead, but thanks for asking.
“I remember you when you were little with your parents at <insert event/ place here>” Thank you for sharing, can I go cry in my car now?

News Travels Faster than you think.

When you are doing personal branding with your business, you strategically share bits and pieces of your life to let people know that “Yes, I am a real person”. There is a line obviously with what is shared. A very large chunk of our reality is almost always left out. Our journey with my mom the last two years of her medical difficulties was not shared. (which none were life threatening that would have cause one to die.) On top of that – Social media is so dang fast. Naïve me thought I would get through a couple more photo sessions in (that I couldn’t reschedule – aka. Minot High School Prom 2022) before the world heard about a portion of my life that was private to just my family. It was less than 24 hours that the funeral home posted it on their Facebook page and all hell broke loose.
My phone was constantly going off. I had in the ball park of 200ish messages. Probably more considering comments on posts and more.

“Solo-pernure” blessing & curse.

“Solo-preneur” ;: entrepreneur doing 90% or more of the work all by your dang self.

If that is you – congrats, but also I know your struggles a little too well. It’s not as easy as people think it is.
Being a “Solo-preneur” who is also maintaining their business as a personal brand. Meaning your name is strongly attached to your business through social media, marketing, ect. You are going through it……… My experience was a blessing and a curse at the same time. I know for a fact that I wouldn’t have gotten through the first two months if I was working a full time job. There was so much going on (from what I remember, honestly kind of blacked out). Knowing that I could take time off, work my schedule accordingly to what I was going through helped beyond anything. It’s almost like it was a blessing and through out the last couple of years my mom helped encourage this success that allowed me to be a business owner.
With that also comes the – If you don’t work, you don’t get paid thing too. We made it work and I couldn’t have been more grateful.

Getting Back to Business

Grieving in general is a bitch. Grieving a major loss can be unbearable at time. When I was 16 and lost my grandma I thought that it was as bad as it could ever be. When she passed even though we were all grieving – my mom was my rock. If only I knew this would be 100x’s worse. The thought process of getting back to work seems unrealistic. Like why does the world move so quickly. I just lost my mom. This past year of working was a blessing and a curse. It helped me get my mind of things. On the flip side – the most random things would remind me of my mom and make me start crying. Example.. you know during weddings and they do the generic vows. For better or worse, richer or poorer. The last line gets me every time now. Until death do you part. Seeing that first hand takes it all out of me.

I also had this feeling for several months that my clients would no longer think I was “fun” and they wouldn’t book me. (that wasn’t the case) This past year was the busiest I have ever been in my whole life. There were beyond so many photoshoots and weddings where I felt at peace. It was my opportunity to live someone else’s life for a little bit. In the long run was it fulfilling? Honestly, no. I still feel like I have this missing piece. In the past after I would get done with sessions or weddings, I would get so excited to share them with my mom. She was so proud and always reminded me how my work improved with every session. Hearing that from friends and clients is cool. Hearing it from my mom was priceless.

How is it currently going?

It’s going. Thanks for asking. I have so much to share on this topic. Everyone is so busy with their own lives, families, personal battels and more. Grief is not an easy thing to bring up. It can be a very uncomfortable topic that most would rather just avoid. (don’t blame them tbh.)

I am thankful for the little support system that I do have. Being surrounded by people who I know if I told them I NEED to talk – they would stop and listen. Life is to precious to take it. Plus – we have way to much to do and goals that haven’t achieved yet. Deanna is comfortable in the sky hanging with her mama + her dad joined her in June.

As I feel it is fit I am going to add more installments about grief on my blog! I am no expert but I have lots to share. Things like:
“How did you write your mom’s eulogy”
“What did you do after everything happened”
If you are currently grieving and want to hear about a topic feel free to put it in the comments!

RESOURCES I’VE ENJOYED // FOR YOUNGER GRIEVERS (age – 20’s -30’s)

• Grief Uncenored Podcast
  A podcast about loosing a parent in your 20s
  Instagram https://www.instagram.com/griefuncensoredpodcast/
  They also have a facebook group!
  
• Dead Mom’s Club // My best friend’s mom’s best friend got me this book 💗